All around me, at every turn, I am being told to meditate. Friends and strangers are recommending MBSR and sending me links to guided meditations. Every magazine I pick up or article I see mentions it. I was meditating after my surgery and then I stopped. Why? Am I too busy? No, I just stopped fitting it in, and since then I have become more stressed, more cantankerous, less focused. So, this morning I put on my headphones, got comfortable and I tried it again. Within three minutes I had lost track of the sonorous voice talking about the white light entering my feet. I was wondering about how long the body scans will take on Monday, what if they can’t treat me due to the metal in my back, how uncomfortable will the body cast be, wait, what if I’m delayed at the border and can’t get there on time? What if they don’t let me in because of this Ebola death in Texas? What if I catch Ebola and the hospital is quarantined? STOP. I stopped.
I am too wound up to meditate. I decided that I just can’t do it right now, and then a reader reminded me that it isn’t about stopping thoughts, it’s about acknowledging them and letting them go. I can’t meditate right now, and so it is probably what I need most.
I’m committing to a daily practice. I need this, now more than ever.
mychordomajourney 
I have enjoyed reading your posts. The chordoma sounds so frightening. I hope people who are going through what you are see this. Maybe put tags on your posts to be sure that they find them, and they would feel less alone. I’m really rooting for you.
I could never settle down to properly meditate either. The only thing that really calms me down in a horrible place is prayer.
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Thank you so much.
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I truly admire you and am glad I stumbled across your blog. I also understand your block with meditation and hope you will find access to yourself in a way that gives you strength and enables you to center. This is just to let you know that I nominated you for the One Lovely Blog Award. Feel free to decline; if you are happy to accept, please visit http://inwardmarvels.com/2014/10/10/one-lovely-blog-nomination/ for more information 🙂 Keep it up!
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Thank you very much. I know that I need to accept mediation as it comes and not try so hard to “make it fit”. Thank you for the nomination. I will check it out tonight.
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No worries, take your time. Hmmm I wrote this post called “The Stress of Mindfulness” – perhaps a few of the thoughts are just right for you 🙂 We’ll see. I’m curious what you’ll find 🙂
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